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Your Body Is Not A Wonderland, It’s A Wasteland

9 Aug

I’ve been thinking a lot about the very Western fascination with “detox” lately and way it intersects with yoga practice. I have mixed feelings. The health food freak in me (hey, I worked for Whole Foods Market for 17 flipping years—I can’t help it!) likes the idea of organic produce, lots of water and green juices/smoothies. Then part of me is like, why not all of the time? Why do I need to “detox” just so I can “retox” at a later date? My biggest so-called-“vices” are the occasional bag of Pop Chips, vegan pizza and coffee. If I’m in a situation where other people are drinking “festively”, I have been known to drink Diet Coke. Burn me at the stake! I saw an article on Elephant Journal the other day with a pic of what happens to your innards when you drink soda that nearly made my eyes bulge out. I got this image from the blog littlebitbetter.org:

It’s obvious that eating, drinking and slathering your body with lots of toxic crap is not practicing ahimsa. Hurts you, hurts the environment, hurts other animals and humans. But the hysterical prudishness and rhetoric behind most of the “Detox” diets, websites, books and e-books just leaves me with a bad, toxic taste in my mouth. A lot of it just seems like thinly veiled anti-fat, “obesity epidemic” hatred.

And, quite frankly, some of it just doesn’t make any damn sense. There’s a lot of woo-woo BS that gets touted as nutritional fact and I am just not down with that. Just disregard my love of Ayurveda and TCM here for a minute and bear with me, OK? I recently picked up a copy of Kimberly Snyder’s The Beauty Detox Solution at the lovely Las Vegas library (our library system ROCKS!). Part of me wants to buy what she’s selling hook, line, and vegan sinker. She’s so cute and healthy looking and I like the color of her book. And the green smoothie recipe looks really good! But then I had to dig a little more and look at what she actually wants me to DO.

For Phase One of her plan (“Blossoming Beauty”), she wants me to drink hot lemon water and take some probiotics when I first wake up. WTF is the deal with all of these alternative health gurus and lemons? There are 2.4 million studies on Pub Med alone. Do any of the studies reference the miraculous alkaline power of an acidic citrus fruit? If you find this information, please email me immediately. I did find some interesting studies on Citrus species and a drug made from them for sickle cell anemia, however. Very interesting. I will have to do some more digging on this topic because it has been seriously nagging me for years.

Next on this phase, I get to eat “two or three” celery sticks and dry toast for breakfast. But only if I am hungry. Seriously? Lunch is kale salad and soup (rice crackers optional) and snack is, you guessed it, raw veggies. Yay! Dinner is more salad with oil free dressing and either fish (ewww) or a alkaline grain veggie burger. Then, this is the kicker: “LATE NIGHT: if you experience cravings, have herbal tea with stevia or more veggie sticks dipped in Sally’s Salsa or Green Bean Miso Dip.” “If” I experience cravings? It’s more like when. All I have to say is that someone would be getting HURT if that was how I had to eat every day. Cravings? Ya think? Just writing this made me hungry!

I’m sure there’s plenty in this book that is useful information. I just can’t get past the starvation part. The total caloric content of the food I listed above? 913 calories, with the optional extra carrot sticks at night. I would be diving head first into a vegan pizza followed by a bag of Uncle Eddie’s, I can see it now. So I will continue on my merry way, making my body toxic in the morning with coffee before my Ashtanga practice and eating lots of healthy vegan stuff for the rest of the day. In the meantime, I do not feel like my body is a wonderland (screw you, John Mayer) or a wasteland. It’s just my human, imperfect, and awesome body. I try to honor the temple as much as I can and treat it with gratitude, respect and love.

Spam Haikus

5 Jun

Blogging is so freakin’ weird. Where do all of these spam comments come from? And why? Why the strange chains of words? I could stare at them for hours, puzzled. Are computers talking to me, or is the hand of a human behind this somehow? I think I’ve had way too much coffee today. I think I might be on cup number 7. Damn you, Sunflower Market Hazelnut Creme/Vanilla Latte! You are way too cheap and too easy to drink. For your reading pleasure (or maybe displeasure), haikus comprised entirely of random, nonsensical words from my spam comments.

Spam Haiku 1: Ode to Microbiology

Spiteful threatened Staph

Methlicillin resistant

Enumerated

Spam Haiku 2: Class Action Drive-By Shooting

Defies pellet gun

Scopalamine dangers grow

Brain damage law firm

Spam Haiku 3: You’re Fired

Life’s ugly truth tests

Donald Trump’s delusion song

Republican scheme

I Can Stop Anytime I Want: Trader Joe’s Vanilla Chai-Spiced Coffee

31 May

I could not restrain myself from buying this when I saw it on the New Products shelf at Trader Joe’s. I was cranky because they didn’t have the Masala Dosas I wanted so desperately (sure…denial!). I already have about two pounds of coffee stockpiled at my house *just in case* (in case of what? A hurricane? The Zombie Apocalypse?). My lust for coffee knows no bounds. The thyroid problem is not exactly helping, but OK—I know I am a junkie. Whatever.

Surprisingly, I am not overenthusiastic about this coffee. I was excited about it when I saw it and it smells yummy in the can. It has an odd, medicinal aftertaste while drinking it hot. Maybe it wouldn’t if it was iced? I’m going to try it that way later and we will see what happens.

ooohbabyilikeitraw

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