Traps, Treason, Rebellion, My War, Lollipops and Sunshine

23 Aug

This morning’s practice was rough to the nth degree. Out of nowhere—I’m on my mat doing my thing, feeling good and then I became so enraged during my Surya Bs that it was totally overwhelming. I could barely finish practice. I could barely breathe. My body became tighter and tighter as my practice went on and I ended up having to stop early. I don’t even know how I had the energy to be that pissed off at 6 in the morning! It seems like a bad dream now. I spent all of Savasana crying. WTF? My car ride to work after practice was like being trapped in a mobile insane asylum. Sometimes, the inside of my own head is the LAST place I want to be. Sometimes, I really hate yoga.

I seriously considered just quitting my practice this morning. “Ashtanga’s not for me,” I thought (more like cursed than thought), “it’s for skinny people who are spiritual and flexible, not for injured, bitter, stiff, old, angry quasi-agnostics who want to punch someone in the fucking face right now.” This is actually what went through my head during downward dog, I think in between breaths 3 and 5. Fun times. For the entire way to work, I felt like I was caught in the throes of this hellish stew of rebellion and fuck-it-all-ness. I was like, that’s it, I am quitting: this is just making everything worse, I am accomplishing nothing, I am embarrassing myself, there is no point to this alleged practice, the spiritual stuff is bullshit/I am not a Hindu/Fuck Hanuman, Screw God, I am way too fat to do this shit, etc etc etc. I finally calmed down after a healthy dose of aural Valium (AKA Fiona Apple), but man—what a scary three hour chunk of time that was. Jesus, Mary and Jehoshaphat. I have no idea what was going on with that, but I am scared shitless to get on the mat tomorrow. My landlord is upstairs drilling in our floor for no apparent reason and I need to go to bed, dammit. 5 am is right around the corner. Ugh.

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3 Responses to “Traps, Treason, Rebellion, My War, Lollipops and Sunshine”

  1. Dezzie August 24, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    I’ve had moments like this. Everyone always tells me to focus on my breathing and let everything else fall away. Unfortunately this has yet to work for me to the degree I always hope. I for one think you’re doing a great job and your journey is truly inspiring. Because of your blog, I started back doing yoga. It is verrrrry difficult because of my size, but I just take baby steps. I’m not confident enough to go to the classes yet, but maybe in a few months I’ll be more confident in myself. Anyways, good luck and don’t give up.

    • hellbentforpleather August 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

      Thanks so much,Dezzie! It’s 6am and I’m about to get on my yoga mat after I finish guzzling this Kaphaa-pacifying black coffee! 😉

  2. Rose Tantraphol (@Rose101) August 25, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

    Awesome post! So happy to know now about your blog.

    That post-practice drive to work can be the most surreal time of the week. Sometimes I feel so serene, so full of equanimity, that I am sure even the people I can’t stand most in the world (and there are a few — I’m very much in the sphere of holding grudges) could suddenly show up and I would be fine. And then there are days when I’m not sure if the practice has agitated the hive that is my emotional nest or what, because I feel more raw and even the nicest thing said to me can bristle.

    And then you show up to work and everyone is acting like it’s a normal morning and you want to say, “Don’t you realize what I’ve just been through? How do you expect me to take that call you want to transfer over?”

    P.S. — Fiona Apple was just in Detroit a couple months ago. My husband is a big fan (read: he still harbors a crush on her after all these years) and I was a total skeptic because all I remembered was “Criminal” but went along to the show because he has superb music credentials that I would never touch. Anyway, I loved the show and I came away with total respect for her. I like my women (in rock and otherwise) to be feisty enough to have a take-no-prisoners attitude, and she absolutely delivered. If anything, this practice — and blogging — has proven to me is that while it’s freaking hard to put yourself out there, there comes a time when it’s harder not to. So props to anyone who can own some part of that crazy balance.

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